hi! So, as you may have gathered I’ve been thinking a lot recently about self-expression and existing in this world and ‘showing up’ to life so to speak. No longer do I want to let people assume things about me (to a point of course), but I want to show myself more to the world. Show bits of who I am.
I’ve had some difficult things happen in my life over the last however many years (as us all, at some point or another), and as previously mentioned these have definitely been years I’m still trying to comprehend. But with all these life things happening, I found myself retreating, retreating, retreating so far in to my cancerian (July Bebe!) shell, to the point I lost myself. I felt numb. And as someone (who’s opinion I greatly value) said to me about a year ago “it’s like you’ve lost your love of life”. She was entirely right.
Truth be said, and I guess I should say briefly, so that there is some brief and surface context to a few things I may mention now and then. Truth be said is that I lost someone. Not that I am unique in loosing someone, and therefore I’m not saying this because my experience is unique, but maybe the fact that it is in fact not at all unique is why I should be saying it. And you may understand a bit if context better. If that makes any sense. You’ll have to forgive my writing tonight, I am rather tired. Anyway, these years have been monumental to me, and like I mentioned I retreated so far in to myself and away from life that I no longer knew much about myself. It was easier to not say too much about myself. The whole thing has been pretty isolating.
I tried in some aspects to use the internet to show my face now and then on instagram, but it never felt “right”. And also I think Instagram can be a hotspot for comparison when you’re not feeling great about yourself. It’s funny because recently I’ve been learning about representation, and it got me thinking about how I’ve been trying to represent myself, and how I’d like to represent myself now. I used to post selfies and self portraits on Instagram, hoping to catch the attention of some guy I liked (and then proceed to feel dreadful when I saw his commenting and likes on another girls photos-gulp-yes yes, it’s easy to get caught up in is t it?), but I DONT KNOW GUYS.
I don’t quite know where I’m going with this. It’s pretty incoherent rambling but I feel I know what I’m feeling, and that’s a step towards finding the right words and growth. I think what I want to get at is that something is changing for me. I’m starting to feel differently about so much, about life.And it’s nice because I now have this blog where I know everything I write is authentic and not trying to impress anyone (including men who really never deserved much of my love or attention, but that’s another topic), because I don’t think many people I know know that I’m using this space. Not that I mind if they do, but I am very much writing here for myself and that’s what makes me feel authentic. Much more so here than Instagram.
Actually I think that maybe blogs are potentially the most empowering internet space we can choose to use. Much more so than our beloved Instagram. Writings and pictures and selfies for the likes and attention? Not for me any more, thank you.
Authenticity. Value. Legacy. Longevity. That’s my aim. However ‘imperfect’ that is. I’m starting to feel stronger than I have in a long old time, and I think that’s due to so much inner self work on my authentic self. And now I just need to start bringing that bit out to the world and my blog here feels like my safe space.
Of various things I am thinking about/developing etc
7. Self acceptance is a beautiful thing
11. Development of Positive mindsets
On another branch of this post…
I want to share with you an artist who I greatly admire.
Ann Street Studio
Oh me ohhhh my. Jamie Beck! She’s an example for me on being a true artist, a true creator. And also a fabulous example of how to tastefully use Instagram. Oh my did I say yet that I love her? Her work just reeks of artistry and craftsmanship and legacy and value and and and… ohh I could go on! She’s an example to me on so many levels.
Anyway. I really am tired, and think I’ll leave this post now. A little all over the shop, and no real aim or point to get too, but I have a few thoughts out of my mind at least and I can sit them here to brew and use at a later date.
Sleep well mon amie, sweet dreams xx