Evening thoughts

hi! So, as you may have gathered I’ve been thinking a lot recently about self-expression and existing in this world and ‘showing up’ to life so to speak. No longer do I want to let people assume things about me (to a point of course), but I want to show myself more to the world. Show bits of who I am.

I’ve had some difficult things happen in my life over the last however many years (as us all, at some point or another), and as previously mentioned these have definitely been years I’m still trying to comprehend. But with all these life things happening, I found myself retreating, retreating, retreating so far in to my cancerian (July Bebe!) shell, to the point I lost myself. I felt numb. And as someone (who’s opinion I greatly value) said to me about a year ago “it’s like you’ve lost your love of life”. She was entirely right.

Truth be said, and I guess I should say briefly, so that there is some brief and surface context to a few things I may mention now and then. Truth be said is that I lost someone. Not that I am unique in loosing someone, and therefore I’m not saying this because my experience is unique, but maybe the fact that it is in fact not at all unique is why I should be saying it. And you may understand a bit if context better. If that makes any sense. You’ll have to forgive my writing tonight, I am rather tired. Anyway, these years have been monumental to me, and like I mentioned I retreated so far in to myself and away from life that I no longer knew much about myself. It was easier to not say too much about myself. The whole thing has been pretty isolating.

I tried in some aspects to use the internet to show my face now and then on instagram, but it never felt “right”. And also I think Instagram can be a hotspot for comparison when you’re not feeling great about yourself. It’s funny because recently I’ve been learning about representation, and it got me thinking about how I’ve been trying to represent myself, and how I’d like to represent myself now. I used to post selfies and self portraits on Instagram, hoping to catch the attention of some guy I liked (and then proceed to feel dreadful when I saw his commenting and likes on another girls photos-gulp-yes yes, it’s easy to get caught up in is t it?), but I DONT KNOW GUYS.

I don’t quite know where I’m going with this. It’s pretty incoherent rambling but I feel I know what I’m feeling, and that’s a step towards finding the right words and growth. I think what I want to get at is that something is changing for me. I’m starting to feel differently about so much, about life.And it’s nice because I now have this blog where I know everything I write is authentic and not trying to impress anyone (including men who really never deserved much of my love or attention, but that’s another topic), because I don’t think many people I know know that I’m using this space. Not that I mind if they do, but I am very much writing here for myself and that’s what makes me feel authentic. Much more so here than Instagram.

Actually I think that maybe blogs are potentially the most empowering internet space we can choose to use. Much more so than our beloved Instagram. Writings and pictures and selfies for the likes and attention? Not for me any more, thank you.

Authenticity. Value. Legacy. Longevity. That’s my aim. However ‘imperfect’ that is. I’m starting to feel stronger than I have in a long old time, and I think that’s due to so much inner self work on my authentic self. And now I just need to start bringing that bit out to the world and my blog here feels like my safe space.

Notes.
Of various things I am thinking about/developing etc
1. Authenticity
2. Intention
3. Vulnerability
4. Legacy
5. Representation
6. Acceptance
7. Self acceptance is a beautiful thing
8. Expression
9. Creativity
10. Autonomy
11. Development of Positive mindsets
12. Value

On another branch of this post…

I want to share with you an artist who I greatly admire.
Ann Street Studio

Oh me ohhhh my. Jamie Beck! She’s an example for me on being a true artist, a true creator. And also a fabulous example of how to tastefully use Instagram. Oh my did I say yet that I love her? Her work just reeks of artistry and craftsmanship and legacy and value and and and… ohh I could go on! She’s an example to me on so many levels.

Anyway. I really am tired, and think I’ll leave this post now. A little all over the shop, and no real aim or point to get too, but I have a few thoughts out of my mind at least and I can sit them here to brew and use at a later date.

Sleep well mon amie, sweet dreams xx

Our deepest fear…

‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of god. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of god that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.’ – A return to love, Marianne Williamson.

I’ve been thinking about this quote quite a lot recently. Over the last week I’ve had various small successes which have helped directing my thoughts to why not me? Why don’t I allow myself to be great now? And Enough of allowing yourself to give in to the ease of smallness. So you can probably see where and why this quote came in to play. Every line in it speaks directly to me in such a relatable way.

The last 4/5 years have been quite an incredible journey, and one which has been deeply tough and which I’m still very much trying to get my head around. But to look where I am now, in comparison to even just a few months back… well, it’s a mixture of otherwhelm of how did I manage to get here? And a slowly creeping in sense of pride and dignity.

There’s that famous fable, you know that one of the butterfly? It’s in its cocoon, and each day a little boy goes to look at it to see if it’s coming out yet. Impatient, the little boy gently starts breaking away the cocoon. After a while, the little boy goes to his father wondering why, now that the butterfly is out of its cocoon, has its wings not opened up to fly away. His dad goes on to tell him how the butterfly needs the struggle of the cocoon to strengthen his wings so that he can fly. It’s the struggle that makes us.

I love this story. Again, I relate to both the butterfly and the little boy. Both in the sense I have been so hidden away inside myself dealing with the struggle, which has been deeply strengthening me, and the little boys impatience of wanting to be out now.

Life is endlessly blowing my mind as of late. And I reckon it may well continue to do so for ever more.

Well, what else do I have to say today?

So far this week I’ve:

1. Had several small successes
2. Come up with ideas organically for some potential future projects.
3. Been shooting a roll of 35mm black and white film on a Pentax k1000
4. Been to a workshop on critical analysis and academic essay writing.
5. Attended a guest talk where one speaker was via video call which was crazy to think about. And the second was an artist who was so funny, engaging and whom I found incredibly inspiring. He was a fantastic public speaker.
6. Attended a workshop on creative writing,where I wrote some poetry which I haven’t done in a while and felt so uplifted from doing it.
7. Gone to the Tate modern and went up to the viewing level.
8. Had an essay proposal approved
9. Read a fair amount of my current book.

When I finished today I walked to leister square to go to Foyles (heaven), and again had my mind blown at all the beautiful books containing all these worlds of knowledge that I want,and had that feeling of how can I get all of this into me somehow?

I have a thing for beautiful things, no doubt. Artistry and well made objects… and books to me are a thing of beauty on so many levels. All that stuff to know! All that stuff to learn! And when all that combines with a beautifully crafted cover and layout and spine and paper… guh!

I spent ages drooling over this book here:

It was the size and fabric cover that drew my eye, but the inside was just as captivating. Recently I’m becoming more and more interested in interior design and architecture, and spent a good while in this section.

Anyway, that’s it from me for now.

So, I’ll leave you with a photo of the Pentax which I’m so loving. Just because it’s gorgeous and why not?

Ah! I got it!

The process of writing something down, taking/creating an image or photograph, or creating art in whatever form, forces us to think through it enough to understand it.

Yes! That’s it.

Covent Garden on 35mm

Recently I picked up a film camera for the first time and shot my first ever roll of film. In all honesty I thought I totally ruined the film- the shutter release kept getting stuck and twice I had no choice but to open the back (fully aware of ruining the exposure and potentially the entire film-would not recommend…), the counter was jumping all over the place, and the aperture ring was stiff to the point of not wanting to move. Needless to say I was not hopeful! BUT, I cannot tell you how much fun I had shooting on this rickety old camera. It felt creative and exciting and when I went to develop my film I was so excited to actually see images appear. Okay so they are not exactly the most exciting of photographs, I was simply just enjoying snapping my walk around Covent Garden- but I am so happy with how they came out. I adore the colours and overall feeling, but most importantly I love how I felt when shooting the roll. I’m now on my third roll, and think I may have found a new love.

A list of thoughts from today.

Hi. Hello.

I get a feeling that every time I want to start a new piece of writing, I won’t know where or how to start it. Maybe given time I’ll become a pro at getting straight to the point, but for now I’ll have to allow room and self forgiveness for a bit of waffle.

Today’s writing is going to be a list of a few select thoughts I’ve had today, from the vast myriad of them that have drifted through my brain. Perhaps some will be clear and coherent and be a full thought, idea or concept, and perhaps some will be random, simple and seemingly out of place. But I will list the things I’d quite like to remember, thoughts or random words that might jot my memory for future use.

So.

1. Human language, and is it advanced/developed enough for humans to be able to fully express the full range of emotions we contain. OR (where I’m mainly sitting on this one), how can I educate myself enough so that I have the knowledge and developed language skills to be able to do this?

I think I am lacking in depth and range of my language development. I think perhaps it’s all in existence, and I am now on a quest to learn our emotional language to a level that I’ve not yet reached.

– notes- study group convo, Maxwell and Alex saying about the cheesy but interesting therapy technique I’d not heard of, of “describing your colour or describing your weather”. I mean, super cringe buuuuut clearly finding emotional language is something many struggle with.

2. Vulnerability. Closeness. Neediness. Fragility. Adult life telling us it’s not really acceptable to feel/want/desire/NEED reassurance over things and reassurance over our needs. After all, we ALL have needs. Yet we regularly find it impossible/ really difficult to state that we have needs and we need them met.

I, for example, have needs. I have needs. And having needs is literally just totally ok, normal and essential to living. And this has taken me a while to realise and subsequently accept, because I never wanted to ask or admit to them because it puts me in a position of vulnerability. I have needs in many areas, like everyone. One generic example being relationships, and needing reassurance from someone else that they still want us etc etc. But instead of stating our needs, because essentially we need reassurances against our own fears (eg admitting how much we need/want/love someone, and our fears they may no longer need/want/love us back), we often act out our needs/fears in unhealthy and unhelpful ways, rather than be vulnerable and ask for reassurance to get our needs met.

Not sure I’ve worded this one well. But hopefully it’s something I can think about. Or at least develop my own thoughts on my own needs for the future.

3. The impatience of humans.

Since moving to London three months ago, I’ve been working on developing my patience.

Weirdly enough this started with traffic lights.

London is very traffic heavy, and one day I found myself slightly horrified when I realise I had fallen in line with doing that human thing of rushing out to cross a road at any given moment. I mean… WHY? Did I have somewhere so important to go that it was worth stepping out in front of a speeding car for? No.

I watched repeatedly as people ran and cars screeched to a halt, hands waving in embarrassed apology. Angry thumping and swearing and screaming from the drivers seat. Just over and over and over again.

I mean. WHY. You know? Why? Literally the traffic lights will change to green in a couple of minutes tops.

So anyway, over the last few months I started training myself in patience using the traffic lights. Yes, I’d feel a bit of embarrassment at the fact I was waiting and waiting’s not cool and I wasn’t one of the cool kids (cough) risking life and limb for the sake of getting to cross the road an extra minute earlier than others, and confidently striding off the other side in life-keeping achievement… but I’m pleased to say that I’ve not only found myself being more present and aware and standing my ground in my conviction, but also I feel my patience has been growing in all areas of my life. I feel it slowing me down in that really beneficial way.

4 Thinking is fun and essential to growth, but also not thinking is essential too. I love not thinking. Which is basically meditating and letting the mind be restful. Whenever I allow myself thinking, I also have to make room for time of something seemingling menial and stupid and easy and light. I love watching a comedy like Friends, or chatting about not much or basically doing anything I find fun.

Balance is everything.

5If I’m feeling tired, I may actually be thirsty. Simple yet I think humans forget how much our bodies need water to function at its best, and that includes our brains.